CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
