That's when you crack a 10am beer
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
