I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
