Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
