I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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