Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
