someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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