If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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