Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
