my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
