broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize