The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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