well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
