Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
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