I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
