i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sorry about my life...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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