if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The air taste purple.
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