He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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