way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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