There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
