After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
