i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
