I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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