God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
