i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
