I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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