Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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