I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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