im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
