he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
