the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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