I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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