ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
