You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
