you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Randomize
