On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
