I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
