Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
