i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
