you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
