There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
