I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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