You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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