Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
