if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
false alarm. still invincible.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
