I wish my penis had an off switch
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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