I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
