Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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