Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
