when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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