drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Less talking, more tequila
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
