she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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