Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
