and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Let's get the cat blown out
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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