i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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