I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
