Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
