the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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