You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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