i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
