i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
