I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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