Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
